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Feeling Insecure

  • healingandme
  • Mar 12, 2023
  • 4 min read

I recently went on a short journey. A journey that was originally supposed to last for six months. Due to my insecurities, I ended the trip early.


The story goes back to a few months ago. Not having the future figured out. I was surfing the internet for career opportunities. On a career platform, I came across a nonprofit organization that offers volunteer opportunities within different programs. My career hunt didn't go smoothly, so I thought volunteering and giving back to the community would be a great change. I put effort in trying to be selected for my chosen program while interviewing for companies my family and friends referred me. To be honest, I was a little down from repeated rejection and struggling to start a career within my college major. At the end when everything was at its peak, I chose the volunteer opportunity over a possible full time and intern position.


I thought I had made the right decision. I thought this was what I wanted. I thought it was the best for me. Well, I guess life have other plans for me. I didn't know myself as much as I thought I did.



There was a month or two between my acceptance into the program and the start of the program. Everything was fine. Busy preparing luggage for the six-month trip. Being excited to visit another state, being in a new environment, and meeting new people. I wanted to gain work experience, life skills, social skills, develop personal growth, and make new friends.


My expectation for this journey was positive, maybe a little too ideal. I had some idea of what the new environment is like. When I heard, I will be living in a cabin located in the wood, my reply was "Wow, that is like living in the fairytale." Yes, fairytale. My respond wasn't wrong, except, I miss-looked the reality side of a fairytale. I only looked at the pretty, nice side. Once I was at the new environment, little by little, my expectation for this trip was breaking.


The condition of the cabin room caused a crack in my mentality. I told myself, "I can't control what situation life throws at me, but I can control my mindset and how I treat the situation." I reasoned and encouraged myself, "This cabin isn't what I expected, but I can make it comfortable and homey." After all, I will be living here for the next six months. It helped and I tried my best to clean the room to meet my expectation. FYI, I am big on neat and cleanness, and I am allergic to dust and dust mite. There is a reason why I freaked out a little by the condition of the room.


However, events that happened later the night somehow was the last straw for me. The darkness and emptiness of the wood. The rainy and muddy raw trails. The realization that I am in the wrong place. I felt a sense of distance while listening to conversations during dinner. Everything that happened that day, little by little destroyed my mentality. I started to want to break down during dinner, but I hold it in. After going back to my cabin and being alone, I cried. I had a panic attack. One, serious to the point, I saw it as a red flag and decided to end the program early. I had panic attacks in the past before, but they were small, short ones with just heavy breathing and being scared. This time, I was crying, involuntarily shaking, trouble breathing, and stiff body. It lasted for ten, twenty minutes. I felt highly insecure in the new environment, somewhat isolated campus from the town in the woods, and being away from home and people I know. Of any challenges that I thought I would encounter; insecurity wasn't on the list. And I thought in the past, if my past classmates can move to other states for college, find a job, and start a new life, so can I. Well, I was wrong. It wasn't ability or life skill problem, it's my mental health and insecurity.


So, a six-month trip ended in two days.



For a short period of time, I questioned myself. Am I a failure? Am I weak? I felt a little embarrassed and disappointed for coming home so fast. Did I disappoint everyone? People wished me a successful and safe trip. I also wanted to prove myself and gain growth from this journey.


No, the answer to my questions is a big NO. I am not weak, nor a failure, nor did I embarrassed myself or disappoint other people. I didn't conduct enough research for the program and had an ideal expectation for the journey. However, it was wise of me to be able to distinguish the situation wasn't on my side. I concluded; the opportunity and environment weren't a great fit for me. I put myself into the wrong place. When something doesn't work out, I can either change the environment or me. The environment is what it is. My problem is insecurity. The panic attack was a red flag. I didn't want to aggravate or trigger my mental health again. Therefore, I chose to not change anything and to leave. Leaving isn't giving up. I was brave to admit that things didn't work out for me and to leave, go on a different path.


In the past, my parent asked me, "why won't you take a turn or change path when you hit a wall, a dead end?" This time, I did. I didn't choose to hit or break the wall this time. I chose to reroute and try a different path.


Lesson


  • Conduct research on different aspect of an opportunity. Gather as much information as possible to have a clear picture of what will come in ahead.

  • Have realistic expectation. Expectation based on facts, not imagination.



New Discovery of Myself


  • Certain environment makes me feel insecure.

  • Family, friends, and home gives me more mental health support and sense of security than I expected.

  • Stability in lifestyle and environment contributes to my sense of security.

  • Getting out of comfort zone is great. However, next time take a smaller step.

  • I am a city person. Thought I like the nature. Guess it was a little too raw for me.



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